Just trying to be okay

Healing is really fucking hard.

There is literally no easy way to put it. I believe healing comes in many different forms. But to make it easier, instead of crazily analyzing different strategies I am going to talk about my experience. For me healing is a long process, definitely more of a marathon. This past year I have grown more than I have maybe ever grown. I went though my first year of college, and let’s just say I ended up transferring at the end of the year. It was truly one of the hardest times I have gone through. And do not get my wrong there were plenty of other factors, anxiety, family, stress, loneliness, comparison.

I struggled so bad and really thought I was never going to be okay again, I accepted that everyday I got out of bed it would the hardest thing in the world.

I would accept that it is normal to be at a party and have to literally run out and go home because I was freaking out so bad. I accepted that I was alone, and the lonliest I had ever been in my whole life. I accepted that I was not worthy. I accepted that I was not first choice. I accepted that this was my life and all I had to do was survive.

Now I know that is a lot, and trust me this is not a pity party, I just want you to understand that I was low and all I was trying to do was not sob while waiting for my sandwich, or pass out in the common area from anxiety. But one day I had a realization, I actually journaled about it, and I realized the only reason I am stuck right now is because of myself, and the only way to get out of this horrible rut was to be there for myself.

So, I began my healing journey. I realized I am not stuck, so I applied to new schools, talked to my close friends, confided in my parents, meditated, read, ran my ass off, just tried to be okay. I had to do all these things just to get out of bed. And trust me there were those days where all I could do was watch movies all day, and that’s okay. Because you know what tomorrow you’re gonna wake up and you have a reset.

I realized each day I was closer to my happiness. And this may sound like I was all happiness and love my whole journey, but trust me most of my journey was filled with anger, sadness, hatred, all that good stuff. And trust me it was so fucking scary to make this change.

Imagine this, a 19 year old girl with crippling anxiety moving 11 hours away from home, knowing no one. So scary. (for me at least)

But I had to keep going to therapy. I had to keep meditating. I had to keep journaling. I had to keep manifesting. I had to keep working out. I had to keep talking about my feelings. I had to keep reading. I had to keep going out of my comfort zone. I had to keep working my ass off.

Creating tasks, or activities that just you do creates an importance behind it. These are things I love so much, and that I do fully for myself. Healing periods are tricky because one day you might feel okay, and see the light at the end of the tunnel trickling in, but the next you see pitch black. But those bad days are what make us appreciate the good, even great days. While healing celebrate everything you do for yourself. You went on a nice long walk yayayay. You took a long bath and cried your heart out. Yayayyay. You took that toxic person out of your life. Ayayyayayaya. It’s the little accomplishes that take us to the end goal. I remember telling myself, I just want to be okay, when will I be okay? One day you will, I don’t wake up everyday and conquer the day and dance and sing, I still have bad days, as does everyone, but I love life more.

I have realized that me just trying to be okay, doing these little things was all I need. Because at the end of the day don’t we all just want to be okay?

xx Kay