Growing Up

Growing up is a tough subject. It can be seen as positive, negative, maybe even both. For me I see it as a combination. Sometimes I look back and think damn this is all little Kayla wanted, and then sometimes I look back and think shit where has my life gone? I haven't even conquered everything I wanted to in life yet. Yes, I know I am only 20 and I have plenty of time, but I see other people going through moments in life and think oh my god.

My little baby brother is graduating highschool and the other day he had his prom. And it made me feel OLD. Yes I did not have a prom so it is different because I was thinking wow this would have been fun. But it’s terrifying. Especially to see the baby of your fam all grown up and having a life of his own without you in it. Okay that’s a bit dramatic, but I mean with friends, college all that jazz and the change that is coming.

It literally feels like yesterday me and Li were getting off the bus from elementary school rushing into the house to eat our fav microwavable mac and cheese and playing outside until it was dark. Yes, time moves fast as everyone knows, but I am still happy that I can look on my past and smile about it. Everyone has their hiccups, but in the end I try to think about how it is a good thing that I miss the good old days.

With being in college I feel as if I am a grandma. And I am very grateful to be in college and have that opportunity. Sometimes when I am walking around campus I think to myself what the hell am I doing? How did I get here? Realizing that I have officially gone through half of college. Which is just nuts. Other times I look at kids riding their bikes or walking around town and we make eye contact. I remember when I was in their shoes all I thought was I can't wait to drive and be just like them. Now I am driving myself 11 hours down to school.

It is weird that I have not posted since I have been at school, but I think it is because change takes time. Change is part of growing up. My mom said something to me about how I am 20 years old, I should call the doctor myself. But inside all I thought was noooooooo.

Out of curiosity I looked up the definition of growing up and this is what I found:

1. advance to maturity; develop into an adult.

2. (of something abstract) come into existence and develop.
   

“Develop into an adult”

Hmmm how horrifying.

I do not think one day a switch goes off and we think oh look I am all grown up now. I think it is more of a marathon type deal. Good things take time, and yes growing up can be seen as somewhat bad, but it also can be seen through strength and sensibility.

Also,

“Come into existence”

So you’re telling me I did not exist before I grew up?

Okay I know it is not like that but that was my first thought. That you can not be ‘respected’ until you are fully grown and matured into the perfect adult.

Heck to the no. Your respect comes from how you treat others and how you go about your life (just my thoughts).

But I feel this intense pressure to go through school, grow up, go to college, graduate, grow up, and chuck yourself into the real world. Well hate to break it to ya but that diploma does not mean you have fully found yourself. And wouldn't that be so much easier?

At this point in my life growing up is horrifying. I am currently halfway through college and very very very close to the so-called ‘real world.’ Growing up through going to college, transferring, living on your own. At the end of the day growing up is just a way of life.

With change comes growth, with growth comes growing up… maybe sometimes. This is how I see it, you will not be able to experience all the good things in life without change. Bottom line. One chapter closes, well guess what another one is peeking open. Just how you have to have those bad maybe horrible days to enjoy the great maybe amazing days. This is a hard concept because you might be so happy, or comfortable in one spot and then it ends, but at the end of the day you have to realize that that good feeling will come again and again and again, just keep going.

Growing up is really a way of life. Without change you will not have opportunities to experience all the good things that come with it. Lets see, when my parents got divorced it was devastating. As any other kid who has been through it knows it just sucks, no easy way to put it. But now I look back, close to a decade later and realize it was best for everyone. Now I can not even imagine my parents being together, which at the end of the day helped all of us in the long run. Now with probably the biggest change in my life I see that it forced me to grow up and learn how to be okay on my own. Feeling as if you need to be stronger for everyone else. The way people feel if they are sad, angry, whatever it is, stays with me. And makes me worry. How annoying. I have tried to realize the only person I can control is myself and my thoughts. Being forced and pushed to grow up is also horrible. But now I realize without people forcing me to do things I probably would not, no definitely not be where I am today. Also being the middle child. Basically if yah know yah know.

Divorce is a complicated subject, I know some of you get it and some might struggle to understand it. To be honest I never fully understood it until I went through it all. But what I am trying to say is that without that change I wouldn't be where I am today. I would not be sitting on my bed in a home that is not where I grew up, I might not be at the school I am at today, I probably would not have moved to public school. There are so many little things that you do not even realize lead you to where you are.

I do complain I am so bored blah blah I wanna travel and unplug and live, but I realize first I need to be my best self in order to get there. My journey right now is just focusing on myself. And do not worry I already have about four trips lined up, long and short term. :) We are in our healing era ladies.

I started to babysit my little (not so little) baby (not so baby) cousins and it is crazy. One day I was rocking them to sleep feeding them a bottle and then next I am having a full real ass conversation with them. Which is amazing, and I love them with all my heart but it is just insane. Time moves fast and people grow up. That is the sad reality of it, but at the end of the day I think it is how you enjoy each moment and continue to live in the present. My sister and I used to talk about how when we got our license we would drive our baby cousins to get all of our nails done, now we’re driving to the pool, ice cream, all this stuff. I remind myself to sit back, enjoy where you are because you never know.

At the end of the day things change, time moves fast, but life goes on. It is weird because I haven't posted a blog post in a while, trust me I have written dozens. But nothing feels right. In my head I have to remind myself it is okay to take a break, to unwind, to not be so damn hard on yourself. Things, places, people, everything changes and sometimes you have absolutely no control over that change. But hey, that unforeseen circumstance, that breakup, that move, that decision made you the person you are today. Do not forget to give that person some credit because life is hard and growing hurts, but try to enjoy every second of it, in the end it is all worth it.

Xx

Kay