Feeling Burnt Out

Wowza it has been a bit. I have a full list of blog post topics, yet I couldn’t get myself to finish one. I started, stopped, deleted, got angry at myself for not doing it. All this bull shit. I would start writing one and then just have no idea what to say. Most of my posts were positive and talked about pressure and stuff like that.

But I really think I can not write all those posts because not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a rut.

What a horrible, horrible feeling. Being in a rut. Ugh. I hate it.

Whether you're a college student like me, counting down the days until finals are over, or you’re 60 years old. Everyone feels burnt out at some point.

The worst part is not being okay and not knowing why you are not okay.

And for some reason I just do not get it because there are so many amazing things in my life right now. I have amazing people in my life, love my college, doing okay in school, concerts, tanning at the pool everyday, weather is killer, music been popping recently, working out. All these kick ass things but what I have realized is if you are not there for yourself first you will not be able to enjoy all the good things to an extent. Basically put yourself and your mental health first. You come first ALWAYS. I don't care if you have three exams tomorrow or a huge interview, take a breather, ground yourself, look in the mirror and remember how strong you are.

Also just because I am naming all these good things does not mean I am not freaking out about a million other things, like I said yah never know.

For the past two months I would say I have been going through this fog, and yah know what I did… started up therapy again. And trust me I did not want to, but then again it’s okay to acknowledge you have stuff to work on. Starting is the most difficult part. Now that I am a couple weeks in I look forward to my sessions.

Not saying this for you to feel bad for me, I'm saying this to say its okay. Not every single year, month, day is going to be amazing. But then I think of other peoples situation and I think I could have it so much damn worse why can I not just be grateful for the life I have. And trust me I am extremely grateful and realize I am lucky, but then I ask why can’t I just be okay then?

I’ve realized I just need to keep doing things for myself.

For instance today I wanted to lay in bed and watch tv (and that is totally okay, and I have had plenty of days like that) but I knew I had to get shit done. So instead I forced myself to get in my car and go on a walk. I thought just get in your damn car and then you have to do something. Even if I went and sat on a bench and sat it would have been better than me scrolling through tik tok in my bed. But I put my headphones in and listened to an Emma Chamberlain podcast about being burnt out. Because damn am I feeling it recently. To be honest just hearing her situation how this is very very very normal helped me a lot.

And I have had my fair share of days where that doesn't happen and I end up not being able to leave my apartment. Which is normal. Right? I really do not know. I wish I had all the answers but I really don't. I think everyone’s normal looks a bit different.

I have always had bad anxiety but for some reason it just keeps getting worse and worse (great right). I have also had social anxiety but it is at the point where I do not even wanna answer facetimes or sometimes texts. Then I will overthink everything and go back in that little hole. But then, part of me knows I need to force myself to do the things I do not want to do in order to be okay.

But then I go in my head and think wait shit you can not think that negative stuff about life, motivation, being tired all the time, all this bull shit. But isn’t that life? It's okay to have those thoughts where they’re super negative because you literally can not stop a thought.

Instead when I think about that stuff recently I have been thinking first, will it even happen or am I worrying about something that could happen.

I also think to myself you will get through it, you always have.

I tell myself that the most, today I was stressed about finals and worrying about studying and then I thought guess what you’ve done this before and you sure as hell can do it again. It might not be fun, but it is possible.

Reminding yourself that you will get through it even though it might seem impossible helps, trust me.

I have to keep reminding myself that I can do this and I will get through it. You basically have to be your biggest hype man. At the end of the day you only have yourself so try to be the best version of you for you.

Not going to lie, it's hard for me to be so positive and say all this stuff about helping yourself, when I literally have no desire (sometimes) to help myself. But like I said, force yourself. Literally look in the mirror and talk to yourself. I talk to myself every damn day. I usually leave my door open and my roommate will yell “what” and I am always like oh no just talkin to myself. Then we laughed about how much I talk to myself.

I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing, it is just how I operate. If you don't talk to yourself literally out loud maybe just try it.

Okay this might sound weird, but bare with me. Sometimes I will literally just look in the mirror and talk myself through what is bothering me, or my plan for the day, sometimes I even record myself. I do not know why, probably because when I was in middle school I wanted to be a youtuber, but it helps me. Especially when it is hard for you to open up, or you feel as if you are a burden to others. Literally lay in your bed and just talk to yourself. Might sound weird but there's no judgment, you’re the only one there, except for the possible ghosts.

The other day I literally made myself sick, was I severely dehydrated, tanning, exhausted, and going out all week? Yes. Buttttttttt, then I got in my own head and could not get better. All I could think about was being stressed, the unknown. I literally have no idea where I am going to live next year, or what my plans are for the summer, when I am going to get all my doctor’s visits in, how to juggle a job and all my summer classes.

So much of the unknown scares the living shit out of me.

I was talking to my friends about it, then I realized okay you have time, you're not alone in this, you will figure it out.

I will get through it and I will figure it out because I always do, as do you. Not knowing what is to come next always gives me anxiety, then leads me down the rabbit hole of comparing other situations to mine.

Oh well this friend has a job, and this random person has their next four years set or this person basically found their husband.

Well guess what at the end of the day none of that shit matters.

As annoying as it is, everyone is different going at different speeds with our own different paths. You can not compare your life to someone else's because guess what they might have their husband but something else in their life could be crumbling into a million little pieces. You literally never ever know. Never believe what you see on the outside. That’s actually what my therapist reminded me the other week.

Anyways

When I tell you I ran off my damn cycle bike to write this I mean it. (When the class ended of course) But this class hit a special place in my heart yah know why becauseeeee it was Selena Gomez themed. And y’all already know I had a hugeeeee Selena phase… I’m talking about having an Instagram for her. Anyways :)

One of the songs that came on was Come and Get It and when I tell you I spent hours on my pool deck learning the dance I mean it. And dangggg did I look good, or so I thought at literally 12.

But another song that came on, the last song actually was Hit the Lights. Now you probably hear that and you’re like okay cool Kayla anddddd

Well this is the song I sang in my audition for a talent show. Yup you heard that right atttt maybe 11 I tried out for the talent show in my town with that song. I bet my mom still has the video. But it just made me so emotional because I thought Kayla look back on your 11 year old self R U KIDDING. You’ve made it so far. And even though this post is about being stuck and just feeling blah, I promise you’ll have moments exactly like this one I had.

Feeling as if hey maybe one day everything will be okay. It’s hard to explain this feeling but man it was as if some weight fell off me. I still have some weight to get off my shoulders, but you sure as hell know it made me smile. I thought hey if 11 year old saw you right now she would look up to her and try to be her ( as little kids do… at least I always did)

But just remember hey this time in your life might suck at some points, buttttt at the end of the day you will see the light just come a little bit closer.

And that light might feel as if it’s taking a million years, but trust me when it comes it will be worth it . Let’s work through this shit together.

xxx

Kay