Feeling behind

Anyone else ever look at their life and think what the hell am I doing?

Ok glad we’re on the same page. I feel as if I have that moment pretty often, honestly all the time. Especially at the ripe age of 20, I just think so what am I doing with my life? I guess in your twenties you are supposed to feel this way, because you’re really just trying to figure it all out.

I do the terrible act of comparison. Looking at other people’s lives and beating myself up for not being as productive, successful, pretty, skilled, motivated as them, whatever it is. But as cheesy as it is everyone is on their own path. Just because that one person has their career laid out for them along with their future husband does not mean that I have to have it all figured out. It is just not my time. And it will all work out, it really will.

I’m gonna talk about something that has been bothering me this past year, and that would beeeeee school.

Transferring already put me back a couple of credits, and then not knowing what I wanna do played a big role. I switched my major a couple of times, and that just put me more behind :/. But I keep telling myself I would not have known if I did not try. And even though business was not for me I worked my ass off to get into the business school and that is still something I give myself big credit for. So even though it did not work out it still played a role in my sense of self. See it all happens for a reason.

But because I am so behind in school I had a mini mental breakdown earlier in the year. Shoutout dad for getting the wraith of that and making me feel better. My mindset was oh my god all my friends are gonna graduate and go on with their lives and where am I gonna be? Here, still. There’s the comparison, of other people’s lives to mine. But at the end of the day I try to think who cares, I know people that dropped out of school and went back, or found other paths. It is so different for everyone and that is perfectly fine. As long as I figure out my mojo we are chilling. Right?

And this summer most people my age have these really cool internships and opportunities, so again stress stress stress. But I figured out my plan and it is perfectly fine, because it is my plan, my life, my terms. It does not matter what everyone else is doing as long as I am doing what is best for me that is all that really matters. And same for you, if it works just keep it going baby. I feel like I have always tried to fit in or be like other people to have what they have, especially in high school. But now my mindset is okay you don’t like me, oh well. Can’t go around people pleasing your whole life. It is really not worth it, you just have to focus on your own happiness.

Social media.

Wowza does that lead me down a dark hole sometimes. I am literally addicted to social media and I would do anything to not be. But I see these so called “perfect” lives on there and think I want that so damn bad. Well surprise, most of it is fake. We need to remind ourselves that what we see on social media is not real life !! And I know a bunch of influencers say this, how it is a highlight real and to never believe what you see, but it is true. We can’t l look at someones Tik Tok and see how they wake up and have a perfect life, totally healthy, AMAZING, it is just not realistic my friend. This took me a while to understand. Especially with people I know and the beginning of college. I would see my friends, or people I knew in high school just having the time of their lives but then next thing you know that person transfers, drops out, who knows. Basically with social media we can not assume shit. That is what I have learned. Because yes in theory social media is fun and great for people to see your life but it is not real. I think about sorority recruitment, or when I was trying to find a roommate for college and I thought “Are they gonna judge me on my instagram?” Well shit. But then I think okay but that is not me, I need to remind myself that a lot. A lot. Your social media can resemble nothing about you, who cares about likes, followers, post cute pics and love what you do that is what matters.

Another hard thing about feeling behind is seeing the people in your life kind of move on in a way. I remember my freshman year of college (always gonna use this year as an example :/) I saw some of my close friends living their damn lives. Making new friends, taking new paths, summer adventures, etc. And it can be scary, confusing. Like uhhh why are we all growing up and changing, well that is just how it goes. Even seeing family grow up and move on with their lives. It is hard as heck. But with growing comes change of course. Just cause it is part of life does not mean it gets any easier. But at the end of the day people change and that is something we just have to learn to accept. (I have a whole post on growing up and just how confusing it is if y’all are interested)

Along with growing up and seeing others take their own paths comes getting old in general. One of the hardest parts for me was seeing people come and go. I would sometimes be so hurt when people simply would not want to be a part of my life anymore. But then I look back and see all the people in my corner. I just have to remember that even though it might suck and be super tough to loose someone it all works out, and the right people will end up in my life, and yours of course. And I know that is just annoying to hear, “oh yeah you will meet the right person”, or “that person is missing out” but it’s true. Trust me I hear that bs all the time and I am like yeah yeah (eye roll*) but one day we will look back on it and think ah it all makes sense now. Right? Fingers crossed. But basically what I am saying is not everyone in your life is going to stay there forever.

It is just one of those hard truths.

And it might not feel good, like at all… but it is something we need to accept and just keep doing what is best for us. I am sure you have heard the cheesy saying, somewhere along the lines of “you haven’t met all the the people who are going to love you.” But I read that now and I think okay yeah true because people can change your life in an instant. And yes there are so many more people in this world who will love me for me, (and you for you of course), or the people I will love, or the people who will change me, even make me a better person. We gotta have the glass half full at this point.

But if you are down, one of my pieces of advice is to hang with family. Call your grandma, talk to those cuzzos you love. Your parents, siblings, anyone who is important to you in life. Because most likely they will make you feel better. My family reminds me that I am on my own path and that if I don’t graduate on time or get that great internship whatever. I will figure it out and do what is best for me.

If not, just make a Pinterest board. God I love doing that. I have so many ranging from abroad to 2023 goals to hair. Literally anything. Let’s say I am stressed about after grad life, well yah know what we are gonna do? Make a board about my goals. Seeing the actual visual of what you want really helps. Even if you don’t know what you want (cough cough me) just put anything, put a bunch of things. Just remember you are capable of getting to where you want. And if you don’t think you are just write it down. Because one day you will look back on that list, or those pictures and think way to go me. I think about when I was a freshman in high school thinking of going to college and now I’m here. It could be as big as that or small as you going on a walk in the morning after promising yourself last night you would. Who knows. Just know you can do it and even if you don’t think you can just know I am here cheering you on, and so are so many more.

xx

Kay